Thursday, September 15, 2005

Speaking of Bayonne...

My email brought this one in, and made me think back to those days again. I just dunno, this poem just gets to me. After all, Sandra Dee DID grow up in Bayonne, and I AM that certain age...

The Land of Sandra Dee
By Anonymous (as cited by Leland Waltrip)

Long ago and far away, In a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot,

There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,
Long ago and far away, in the Land of Sandra Dee.

Oh, there was truth and goodness, in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.

For Ike was in the White House, and Hoss was on TV,
and God was in his heaven, in the Land of Sandra Dee.

We learned to gut a muffler. We washed our hair at dawn.
We spread our crinolines to dry, in circles on the lawn.

And they could hear us coming all the way to Tennessee,
all starched and sprayed and rumbling, in the Land of Sandra Dee.

We longed for love and romance, and waited for the prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.

We danced to "Little Darlin" And Sang to "Stagger Lee"
and cried for Buddy Holly, in the Land of Sandra Lee.

Only girls wore earrings then, and three was one too many,
and only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams, did we expect to see
a boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land of Sandra Dee.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
and when they made a movie, they never made it twice.

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, Or Psycho Two and Three,
or Rockey-Rambo Twenty, in the Land of Sandra Dee.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
and Reagan was a Democrat, whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
and Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land of Sandra Dee.

We had our share of heroes; we never thought they'd go;
at least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
and Elvis was forever, in the Land of Sandra Dee.

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson, and Zeppelins weren't Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees in a tree,
Madonna was a virgin, in the Land of Sandra Dee.

We'd never heard of Microwaves, or telephones in cars,
and babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and "gay" meant fancy-free,
and dorms were never coed, in the Land of Sandra Dee.

We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And Hardware was a box of nails and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction, in the Land of Sandra Dee.

Buicks came with portholes and side show came with freaks,
and bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles and skirts came to the knee,
and Castro came to power in the Land of Sandra Dee.

We had no Crest with Fluoride; we had no Hill Street Blues;
we all wore superstructure bras designed by Howard Hughes.

We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for condoms, in the Land of Sandra Dee.

There were no golden arches; No Perriers to chill,
and fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was thirty-five, and old was forty-three,
and ancient was our parents, in the Land of Sandra Dee.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
and now instead of Maybelline, we swear by Retin-A.

And they send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land of Sandra Dee.

So now we face a brave new world, in slightly larger jeans,
and wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.

And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away, in the Land of Sandra Dee.

_____________________________________________________________________

A homeowner's tale of woe, or...PHENOSEAL®...NOT!

Phenoseal® is a product made by DAP. It's a nice, white sealant that my builder uses a lot. Well, I had a nice tiled seat built in my shower when we remodeled a few years ago, and I recently noticed that some of the grout was cracked and missing. Out came the tube of Phenoseal. It looked great! Then, maybe a month or two later, I noticed a spot of hard goop on the shower floor, which I had to remove with a razor blade. Also, some of the tiles on the front of the seat (vertical) were coming loose. Puzzled for a while, the light finally went on, and I called DAP to find out if something in the Phenoseal could react with the tile cement, and could the Phenoseal actually melt??

The answer was YES. It seems that the Phenoseal re-emulsifies in standing water, like on the seat top, and it oozed down behind the face tiles. So I pried some of them off, and, to my surprise, there was NO tile cement at all on the backs of the tiles. Only wet, sticky, molten Phenoseal. Now I'm prying off those face tiles, trying to get my builder over to retile the front of the seat (the flat tiles on the top of the seat, where I actually PUT the Phenoseal, still look OK, but I have my doubts about them, now) and get my downstairs shower in working condition again.

Of course, I never found any disclaimer or warning about this on the package -- although I'm sure it must be there in 8 point type -- so now I'm stuck with both a mess AND a couple of hundred dollar repair job.

So friends, be careful about using caulking of any type on flat surfaces -- especially PHENOSEAL.

Pheonseal is sold by a number of marine chandlers for use as a boat sealer. I would NEVER allow it on my boat, knowing now what it does and how it performs in a wet environment. IT IS CRAP!!!

O.K., call me crazy, but I really think a sealant should... seal.

DAP REPLIES:
"Thank you for contacting DAP Inc. with your inquiry, based on the description of your application in your "blog" it would appear that the product that the product that you selected was not the best choice for your intended application. DAP Phenoseal Vinyl Adhesive Caulk Does It All is a water based adhesive/sealant formula which is not recommended for use in below waterline applications (FOR BEST RESULTS: Do not use below waterline.)...

Based on the description of your application, we would generally recommend the use of a 100% Silicone Rubber Sealant.

Thank you, Jason"


"NOT RECOMMENDED?" That's an understatement, if I ever saw one. Then WHY do they call it (and these are THEIR words) "DAP Phenoseal Vinyl Adhesive Caulk Does It All?" "For best results..."
Jeez. What an understatement. In a submerged environment, it simply FAILS. BEST RESULTS???

In my mind, these bastards still owe me $200, to boot.

Follow-ups:
September 18, 2006. I finished cleaning the affected area and re-cemented 4 new tiles onto the front of the seat. On Tuesday, I'll clean out some of the grout on the seat and grout the whole area. I never did this before, so I have hopes but not expectations. By Thursday evening, the shower should be ready for use again. If there's any more Phenoseal damage, I'll report back.
August 18, 2007. I see a face half tile on the end is starting to stick out. This wasn't one that I replaced previously, I don't think. I'll let it come out some more before I try to remove it. What a fricken mess. I hope the whole world reads about this garbage product.

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